Moving Right Along

As I glide semi-gracefully into week 16 of this pregnancy, I find that I am feeling pretty damn good. The nausea of the first trimester has made itself scarce, yet the fatigue has lingered. It’s a good trade for me, actually. The nausea was relentless, while the fatigue seems to allow me a few periods of time when it will actually let me stay awake the entire day without a cat nap. I’m feeling better overall, and with a wedding in less than a month, I find myself focusing not only on newborns, but nuptials as well.  Actually, the wedding plans are pretty much squared away (Vegas, baby), I find myself enjoying my blossoming bosom and belly and all that comes with it.

Part of my amusement comes from the sheer fact that I did not think in a gazillion years that I would find myself pregnant at age 45. Yes, you read that right.

45 years old.


Just let that sink in for a moment. I have.

Now, there are still things that I find amusing even 15 years after having done this all before. I’ll share a few with you….

1. Why do clothing manufacturers design maternity apparel with huge horizontal stripes? Do they honestly think that this is a flattering pattern for us preggos? The only people that may look stunning in this particular pattern would be underweight to begin with. I don’t need any help looking bigger than I’m already becoming, thank you very much. And I feel pretty much the same about vertical stripes as well. Nothing like a big belly to distort the direction of those stripes. eek. I’ll just stick with solids or confusing patterns that allow me to camouflage this burgeoning waistline just a bit.


2. Stop marketing maxi dresses to me. Please. The only thing worse than stripes for me is a maxi dress. Yes, they’re very cute. Yes, they are comfortable, BUT if there is any close contact by either one of your thighs with the other, trust me: you’ll be sorry you decided to saunter around on a day in the city in this getup. If you insist on wearing this cute little number, and your thighs have gotten a bit cozier with each other, do yourself a favor and invest in some body glide or hosiery/tights. Nothing less sexy than chafing.

3. On the flip side, maternity clothing has come a LONG way since I donned my first leggings and oversized shirt 15 years ago. I was a shapeless, big pregnant lady with absolutely no sense of style. Maternity clothes were simply a means to an end, unlike today’s offerings which allow us moms-to-be to actually show our non-baby curves and wear ‘regular clothes’ like jeans, fitted shirts, and sweaters. Thank you.

4. Pregnant women really DO become forgetful. I’m smack dab in the midst of that right now. James can tell me something and within hours I’m inquiring about the very thing he told me. I pride myself on my great memory, but alas, I forget that the placenta sucks not only all the nutrients from my body, but my brain cells as well.


5. Yes, we can and usually will become hormonal, and at times you should either a.) run b.) hide c.) apologize immediately or d.) all of the above. I’m usually quite even-keeled, but now I will open up a can of whoop-ass on you faster than you can blink an eye if it’s deserved. It’s not ALL bad, though; just think of the positives. If you’re normally introverted and don’t care to speak up, you’ll suddenly find your voice and you’ll use it. Give us pregnant gals a wide berth, especially if you’re delivering news that’s less than awesome. You’ve been warned.

6. We crave different things at different times. For me, I craved fruit in the first few weeks, then I made a switch to grilled cheese sandwiches. Nowadays, it’s whatever strikes me as delicious in the moment. Could be pulled pork, could be a big, fat dill pickle, could be Kraft mac and cheese. Bottom line is this: let us have it. If you don’t, see number 5 above.

7. Baby registries are still a huge business. I’ll admit that the first time around, my ex and I practically squealed with delight as we ran around with our respective scanner guns, shooting everything from burp cloths to baby bottles. This time around? Well, honestly, I feel a bit mixed on the whole issue. Do we need baby items? Sure. Did we register for baby items? Sure. Do I feel a teeny bit uncomfortable asking for baby items? Absolutely. The biggest difference this time is that we truly only registered for what we NEED and WANT. The extras are simply not that important and will be things we will deal with later.


8. Gender neutral are two words not commonly found in the pregnant woman’s vocabulary. I found out gender with my son 15 years ago, and to be honest, I immediately felt a sense of regret. I didn’t regret that he was a boy, I regretted that I couldn’t wait to find out the gender. It was like opening my Christmas gifts before Christmas and already knowing what was under the tree. To each their own, I suppose, but the responses I’ve gotten thus far when people find out we aren’t finding out, range from “Why?” to “Huh.” to “But don’t you want to know what is it?” The last question is my favorite. My answer is always the same. “We already know what it is. It’s a baby. A human baby.” This baby having a penis or a vagina doesn’t really change a thing for us, so it’s simply not a burning question at this point. Will I be tempted to peek at my formal anatomy ultrasound on 9/14? Sure. But I’ll try my hardest not to look at the money shot. A baby is a wonderful thing, and I long for that sweet moment of surprise at delivery when hopefully my husband will be allowed to be the one to announce if we’ve welcomed a son or a daughter into the world.

9. Boobs are all business with a side of fun. It’s been amazing to watch these puppies grow to their current size, but I won’t lie. They are sore and tender, and while at times, James stares slack-jawed at their sheer size, I have to gently remind him that they are transforming into something beyond what he might see in a Victoria’s Secret ad. These boobs are getting ready for a big job. At the current rate, I just hope I don’t suffocate our baby….


10. Pregnancy is still and always will be absolutely amazing. I can honestly say that I have been completely awestruck every single day since I peed on that stick in early June. Me. Pregnant. Wow. There’s a human being growing exponentially inside me as I type. I feel baby now, and coupled with a doppler, I can hear baby, too. It’s a time to cherish and enjoy, and I love it as much as I did the first time. I probably savor it a little more, because I KNOW it won’t happen again. I mean, let’s review: I’m 45 years young, and this body at some point is going to raise its hand and declare a cease-fire. So, before we wave the white flag, I smile as I realize there is a very tangible sign of the love that James and I share living and moving inside me. That’s awesome.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to stuff these boobs and belly into a wedding dress very soon.


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