In an attempt to update my blog today, I came upon this entry I completed months ago. Six months ago to be exact. I remember the day I typed it, thinking, “Will I ever really post it?”
The answer is yes, and the day is today. Enjoy…..
I know as I type this that one thing is certain:
It won’t be published for months and months. It may not even be published for up to a year.
I still feel it’s important to express my feelings at this moment. Capture them. Jot them down in real-time, so that when the time comes to actually post this, I will have kept it.
Today is December 17, 2012. We have collectively decided to throw all caution to the wind, release the bowlines, and let the fertility chips fall where they may.
I’m 44 years old. James is 45. We understand the odds are not in our favor, but we also realize that over the past year, we aren’t going anywhere. We are in this relationship for the long haul. We only wish that we could have met 10 years ago, when our collective fertility and age might not have been such a looming issue, but what’s done is done, and for whatever reason, our paths crossed when they did.
We have talked about this very possibility in the past year, even going so far as to speaking with an OB/GYN regarding getting pregnant, pros, cons, and everything in between. We usually brought up the discussion, only to have it slip quietly away, as we poured ourselves into other activities, our jobs, our travels, and our collectively making sure that before we actively sought to bring a life into the world, we were strong enough to be the couple we always knew we were.
I’ve been here before. I’m the mother of an almost 14-year old son. I’ve experienced the high of motherhood, the lows of motherhood, and every emotion in between. I still remember the anticipation of peeing on that stupid goddamn plastic stick, knowing that one little extra line made the difference between buying onesies and diapers or buying another pack of pregnancy tests.
If there’s one thing that’s certain, it is this: James and I deserve to take this chance together. This is quite possibly the best gamble in the world. The only lottery where we would truly feel like winners. We deserve to take the chance to see if our deep love can be evidenced by another life. Our life merged into another.
Save your judgment. Save your eye rolls. Save your clucking tongues.
And quite honestly? We don’t give a damn what you think.
So, now we officially ‘fly without a net’. Let’s hope that if we fall, a stork is waiting right there to catch us.