What a strange fucking day.
James is meeting with the attorney and soon-to-be ex-wife regarding their divorce. While this isn’t anything unusual, the email yesterday that James forwarded to me contained something that made me sit up and take notice:
“Any chance you have time for a drink after our meeting tomorrow? There’s something I would like to talk with you about. Don’t worry. It’s not bad. :)”
In recent days, text messages and emails have been accompanied by this seemingly-harmless emoticon. Needless to say, James and I have been thrilled to see this stupid little icon at the close of each message.
It means the ice is thawing. The water is a bit warmer. Things are moving in the right direction. Good stuff, right?
Right. I guess.
I don’t harbor a single bad feeling toward the person who shared a big chunk of their life with James. I really don’t. I want the best for her, as much as I want the best for me and for James. Everyone is in agreement there.
For whatever reason, I found myself feeling an emotion I haven’t felt in years, if ever.
Jealousy. The green-eyed monster herself. Rearing her ugly head in my thoughts and settling into my grey matter. Why the hell should I be jealous? I have no earthly idea. Well, okay, that’s not entirely true.
For the first time in my adult life, I find myself feeling a closeness with James that I haven’t shared with anyone. I hate spending time apart, and I suppose the fact that she seems downright GIDDY and excited to see her soon-to-be ex-husband left me feeling strangely uneasy.
When I voiced my feelings, James replied, “That helps explain why I still feel jealousy for Wayne as well. My absolute adoration for you.”
Speaking of Wayne, ironically, I had sent a handful of howdy, hey there, hi, hello texts to Wayne, since we are on pretty friendly terms.
Two days passed. No reply.
While this was a bit unusual, I didn’t really give it much thought. Then, DING! My iPhone informed me of a new text message this afternoon. I peered down and saw:
It was Wayne.
After our usual pleasantries, he informed me that his absence was due to a date. A date. With a woman. Another woman that wasn’t me.
For those of you who read my blog, you’ll understand that I have no real reason to be upset. Seriously.
But, I was. Strangely enough, I was.
I was wandering among the produce in Safeway, and I stopped.
And, I cried. Cried for feeling any jealousy whatsoever. Cried for feeling any jealousy over James and his soon-to-be ex, patching things up with regard to their respective futures. Cried for the hurt I had put Wayne through. Cried for the hurt I had put the soon-to-be ex through.
Tears among the avocados. And the bananas. And the lettuce.
Pull yourself together, Lisa. You really have no right to feel this way.
I don’t? Really? Regardless of what I may have done in the recent past to find myself here in Northern California, at a local Safeway store, shopping for items for tonight’s dinner, I still felt it. I felt those pangs of hurt and jealousy that I can only imagine were compounded 1,000 times for Wayne.
I finally got it. Karma is a bitch, and she hit me over the head with a big, fucking hammer right there in the produce section of Safeway.
And I felt it.
Never again will I discount my actions when I know they will affect others. Never. Ever. Again. Today was a dose of my own medicine, and it was bitter and tasted awful.
I wouldn’t give this medicine to the worst of my enemies.
Important lessons learned today. And it had nothing to do with avocados.