Green-Eyed Monster

What a strange fucking day.

James is meeting with the attorney and soon-to-be ex-wife regarding their divorce. While this isn’t anything unusual, the email yesterday that James forwarded to me contained something that made me sit up and take notice:

“Any chance you have time for a drink after our meeting tomorrow? There’s something I would like to talk with you about.  Don’t worry.  It’s not bad.  :)”

Happy face.

Happy face?

In recent days, text messages and emails have been accompanied by this seemingly-harmless emoticon. Needless to say, James and I have been thrilled to see this stupid little icon at the close of each message.

It means the ice is thawing. The water is a bit warmer. Things are moving in the right direction. Good stuff, right?

Right. I guess.

I don’t harbor a single bad feeling toward the person who shared a big chunk of their life with James. I really don’t. I want the best for her, as much as I want the best for me and for James. Everyone is in agreement there.

For whatever reason, I found myself feeling an emotion I haven’t felt in years, if ever.

Jealousy. The green-eyed monster herself. Rearing her ugly head in my thoughts and settling into my grey matter. Why the hell should I be jealous? I have no earthly idea. Well, okay, that’s not entirely true.

For the first time in my adult life, I find myself feeling a closeness with James that I haven’t shared with anyone. I hate spending time apart, and I suppose the fact that she seems downright GIDDY and excited to see her soon-to-be ex-husband left me feeling strangely uneasy.

When I voiced my feelings, James replied, “That helps explain why I still feel jealousy for Wayne as well. My absolute adoration for you.”

Touche.

Speaking of Wayne, ironically, I had sent a handful of howdy, hey there, hi, hello texts to Wayne, since we are on pretty friendly terms.

No reply.

Two days passed. No reply.

While this was a bit unusual, I didn’t really give it much thought. Then, DING! My iPhone informed me of a new text message this afternoon. I peered down and saw:

“Hi.”

It was Wayne.

After our usual pleasantries, he informed me that his absence was due to a date. A date. With a woman. Another woman that wasn’t me.

For those of you who read my blog, you’ll understand that I have no real reason to be upset. Seriously.

But, I was. Strangely enough, I was.

I was wandering among the produce in Safeway, and I stopped.

And, I cried. Cried for feeling any jealousy whatsoever. Cried for feeling any jealousy over James and his soon-to-be ex, patching things up with regard to their respective futures. Cried for the hurt I had put Wayne through. Cried for the hurt I had put the soon-to-be ex through.

Tears among the avocados. And the bananas. And the lettuce.

Pull yourself together, Lisa. You really have no right to feel this way.

I don’t? Really? Regardless of what I may have done in the recent past to find myself here in Northern California, at a local Safeway store, shopping for items for tonight’s dinner, I still felt it. I felt those pangs of hurt and jealousy that I can only imagine were compounded 1,000 times for Wayne.

I finally got it. Karma is a bitch, and she hit me over the head with a big, fucking hammer right there in the produce section of Safeway.

And I felt it.

Big time.

Never again will I discount my actions when I know they will affect others. Never. Ever. Again. Today was a dose of my own medicine, and it was bitter and tasted awful.

I wouldn’t give this medicine to the worst of my enemies.

Important lessons learned today. And it had nothing to do with avocados.

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