While I would love nothing more than to address you by name, I won’t do that.
I guess you can call it the last vestiges of civility I will ever have toward you.
I sit here today feeling a wide variety of emotions, but most of all, I’m tired. Tired of allowing you to dominate my thoughts, my actions, my relationship, my time, my energy, and my life.
That ends today. With this post. I am bidding you farewell. For good. Once and for all.
It saddens me to think that perhaps I never really knew you. I thought at one time I did. Your continued actions contradict the picture I had of you. Maybe I was the one in denial. Maybe I was the one who refused to admit the truth. Maybe I should have listened to my inner voice.
But, I didn’t.
Two years passed. Two years of deceit, betrayal, lies and a life filled with fancy footwork, tall tales, and embellished stories. It wasn’t until recently that I allowed myself to realize that you are nothing more than a
A liar that I found myself ridiculously attracted to at one point. We had fun. We did. I don’t dispute that. Two forces together, creating so much fun and a party atmosphere, that we had people actually approach us to tell us what fun we appeared to be having. That much is true. There was an attraction. Of course, hindsight being 20/20, I don’t know what attracted me more: the person you were, or the party atmosphere you and I created. Probably a little of both.
Over time, things changed. We changed, yet we continued to deceive people with our lies. At some points, I tried to distance myself from you, but like other vices, I couldn’t stop myself. At times, I actually hated that I couldn’t stop seeing you. I hated the lies. I hated the deceit. I hated all of it.
After living this secret, undercover life, the truth finally emerged. A veil was lifted. A fog dispersed. A new, raw, emotional, painful reality presented itself. As we knew all along, there is a price to pay when two people continue to deceive others. The price was paid. The damage was done. Choices made. But, as with most clouds, there was a silver lining.
A silver lining named James.
Only with his support, encouragement, and belief in the good in people, was I able to overcome my weakness for you.
He has the power to make me forget you. He has the power to make me realize that I deserve better in this life. He has the power to cherish me for who I am and all I can become. He has the power to love me.
I still harbor resentment, anger, and sadness toward you, but today I realize that nothing constructive can come from these emotions. As much as I’d love nothing more than to somehow combine these in some sort of cathartic brew, I also realize that the best thing to do with these feelings is to simply
throw them away.
So, with that, I must say goodbye.
Goodbye to you. Goodbye to all of it.
Better things await.