I just don’t know.
I really don’t.
I started CrossFit about three weeks ago, after the successful completion of the On Ramp classes, and I was ready for some serious workouts. I was ready to leave the gym, dripping in sweat, feeling accomplished and riding high on the endorphins.
After two solid weeks of good, quality workouts, I have to admit it.
Something is missing. I can’t put my finger on it. Or my biceps. Or my traps. Or my less-than-desirable quads.
I come from a relatively new background of running. I am a marathoner. Or at least I was a marathoner. I have successfully completed six marathons, and countless other shorter distances. Running is what originally got me off the couch and helped me to successfully lose almost 60 pounds back in 2005. I have kept it off for the most part, always yo-yo-ing 10 pounds in either direction. In any event, I was an endurance runner. A self-proclaimed snail. I didn’t run for speed. I ran for endurance. I loved to be out running for HOURS, or at least ONE hour minimum. Running was my solace. Running was where I solved all my problems. Running was ALL MINE. I suppose as a result, I find myself more of a solitary workout type of person. I think of nothing more pleasurable than running 5+ hours in a marathon, with only myself for company.
That’s love. That’s running. That’s all for me.
After a very long hiatus, and a brief spurt of workouts last spring, I find myself in a new city with a new man and yes, a new workout.
I was intrigued by the idea, I admit. I see James and his incredibly strong, lean, fit body, and I ask him, “Did you get that body just from CrossFit?”
“Yep,” he replies.
Well, then let’s fucking DO this.
I should preface all of this by admitting that I am not the most patient person in this world. Truthfully, I’m painfully impatient with most things. I hate waiting. I’m sure we could analyze this further, call it some sort of hold over from my childhood as an only child, but that’s a whole different post.
That said, I will admit that I like results FAST. I mean fucking YESTERDAY. I’ve never been good waiting for this. Ever. I still remember the only time I exhibited anything close to ‘patience’, and that was when I decided to begin running. I’ll never forget the feeling of my thighs rubbing together, the ensuing chafing and the complete determination it took for me to keep going.
I kept going.
The thighs eventually stopped rubbing together. No more chafing. The results weren’t overnight. As a matter of fact, it took me weeks to see improvement in my body, but…..I saw improvement almost daily. Literally, daily. I was becoming much more lean and muscular. My cardiovascular capacity was improving leaps and bounds.
Oh, and my diet was as clean as it’s ever been. I cut out coffee, all junk and processed foods, all white flour and all white sugar. I ate only fruits, veggies and lean meats, along with tofu and other high-protein sources. The only time I truly ‘carbed up’ for running was the night before long runs, when I would indulge in whole wheat pasta with marinara.
Within six months, I went from almost 170 pounds down to 110. It was indeed an amazing journey and one I’ll never soon forget.
But, truthfully? I made huge gains in a short amount of time. That’s just not happening now. Maybe it’s age. Maybe I’m not giving it enough time. Maybe I need to be more strict in my diet. I was able to be patient, because I was seeing changes on a weekly basis. I just don’t fucking know now.
What I do know is that I’m stuck in the clutches of a negative body image.
I’ll say there are parts of my body I love. My butt. My round bubble booty. It’s never left my side, and I dare say it probably never will, no matter how many miles I run or deadlifts I master.
I. Love. My. Butt.
I don’t love my thighs. I never have. When I gain weight, my legs get that subtle, puffy look. I hate looking down at them when this happens. My hips widen. I fill out those bigger jeans I put in the back of the closet and vowed I’d never wear again.
I don’t love my breasts. Years of gravity, nursing my one and only child, and massive weight loss have left them looking, shall we say, a bit “long”. I could probably leave the house wearing two tube socks and people would be none the wiser. My breasts do make it a challenge to be comfortable naked in front of a man. They’re a little “lower” than they used to be. I miss my perky breasts.
This is probably why I could fund a small village in Africa with the amount of money I spend on beautiful lingerie at Victoria’s Secret.
So, today finds me a bit down regarding my body and what I thought I would get from CrossFit. It’s not easy to admit that you’re getting older, and that yeah, our bodies change. Gravity sucks. Some things just can’t stay the same, no matter how much we may want that to be the case.
I’m frustrated with the shortened workouts of CrossFit. I yearn for those longer workouts of at least 45 minutes or so. I do the WOD, and I follow the directions, with regard to warmup and form, but at the end of it, I’m inevitably disappointed.
And I’m not even that sweaty.
I’m frustrated with the lengthened warmups, then the 10-15 minutes it takes to set up equipment and wait for everyone to get ready. Sigh….so much wasted time, in my humble opinion. I just wanna get there, get started, work out and after what I am used to being a comfortable amount of time, I want to leave. Sweaty. Really sweaty.
I’m frustrated that I can’t even manage most of the moves. I end up modifying most of them, which disappoints me immensely. I know, I shouldn’t be too tough on myself. Gotta work toward something, right? I watch these people rolling tires around the gym, doing Kipping-style pullups, and I think to myself, “Am I ever going to be able to do that?”
What the fuck am I doing wrong? I want this to work. I want to share this experience with James. I want us to embark on a lifestyle of healthy living together. He’s already there. I’m playing catch-up and quite honestly, I’m trying the best I can, but it still feels like it’s not enough.
Negative body image days suck balls. I know the things I need to do to get my mind right and my body in a good place. I just hope that CrossFit can eventually get me there.
If not, I can always lace up my shoes again, right?